blink and you miss it

I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant with each of my kids
I can remember the day I gave birth to each of my kids.
I can remember the day each of my kids started school.
I can remember the day each of my kids finished high school.
I can remember the first time seeing my kids drive out of the driveway after they got their P plates.

It all seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.

I often tell my friends with young kids to savour the time they have with their small kids, because once they start school, life seems to go into fast forward, like x2 fast forward. Then when they start high school, life seems to skip to x6 fast forward. Then they are adults and are launched into the world. At this point, all you can hope for is that all of the lessons taught, time spent, love shown equip your kid/s out in the wild.

What once seemed like an endless array of cut knees or hurt feelings, toilet training challenges and growth spurts are now replaced with less frequent issues but ones that are far weightier, with longer lasting consequences.

I really never understood what my mum used to say about worrying about your kids, like forever. I figured if I could get my kids to 18 they were then free to do what they wanted to do and I just had to trust I had done a good enough job as their mum for them to navigate the world. But in an increasingly complex, unnecessarily cruel world, a world of increased senseless violence the world I was propelled into as an adult no longer exists.

I recently had a conversation with a beautiful friend about her teenage kids, where I said we don’t get a credit of time once we are done raising our kids. There is no cosmic coupon we can cash in to get the years of sacrifice and self abandonment back when the kids grow up. We have a responsibility to live our lives in meaningful ways here and now.

But I also urge all mums with young kids to slow down and look at what is and is not important - because not only do you not get this time back for yourself, you do not get this time back with your kids. In the blink of an eye, the tiny humans who see you as a living goddess evolve into stinky adolescence who are endlessly embarrassed by your mere existence. So when you kid wants one more story read or 5 more minutes playing together, consider what else you had planned to do and consider how important that may be. I totally get it, some of the board games we used to play were awful. Some of the jokes or stories the kids would tell were equally awful but let’s enjoy them for what they are. Enjoy the quality time we get to have with our kids while they still stare lovingly at us, while they still communicate openly with us, while they express their love for us effortlessly. Because all of those tiny moments, while they may feel monotonous or frustratingly unproductive for us, these are the moments that develop the characters and values of our children. These are the moments that create the core memories. It is not the big holidays or expensive days out that our kids really value. It is the routines and rituals and magic that exists in daily life. It is the love they feel when they feel seen and heard and like they matter.

While I am not in favour of blindly worshipping our kids and swooping in to fix the world for them so that they never have to experience discomfort or adversity (because all we do is raise kids who turn into adults who are not resilient or able to solve their own problems or deal with the consequences of their own decisions) and in the same way as a advocate for women and in fact all parents to continue to nurture themselves as they raise their kids, you don’t get a do-over with your kids. Every interaction shapes your kid. In a ever changing, challenging world, we have the opportunity to raise self aware, self assured, kind, kids who are able to scrutinise messages received from outside sources such as social media, television and the wider community.

This week, it is as much about unbecoming as it is about becoming. We need to stop doing some things that don’t serve us to make time, space and energy for the stuff we want to be intentional about.

Krissi x

who are you?

It was about 6 weeks ago that my psychologist gave me a homework task to examine and answer the question, “who are you?”

So I sat down with pen in hand, to write down all of the things I am. A mum. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A friend. Then I looked at the things I do. I work. I take photos. I make things with clay. I do a podcast. I write a blog. I workout. This moved to the things I like/love. I love dogs. I love crystals. I love learning. I love creating. I love pizza.

How many times do we introduce ourselves by our role, or what we do, or what we like? As mum’s we often lead with the fact we are mums and rattle off the names and or ages of our offspring. We may or may not have a partner or a job but this will often come next.

I faced this question for the very first time in about 2007. I was 27 years old. I was in the second year of a teaching degree and was studying a subject about sociology. I was working on an assignment about the roles of women in society and a book listed as a resource was The Sacrificial Mother by Carin Rubenstein. I was sitting in the car, on a very hot summer day with my two kids (then 3 and 6) bouncing around the car as we watch my then husband play cricket. I was reading this book and all of a sudden I had tears streaming down my face. It was the first time in over 7 years that I had stopped to think about myself as a human being and not just a role or function. I felt angry that I had been reduced to a sacrificial mother. I felt confronted that a mirror had been turned to me, and I had to stare back into it and face the question, who am I? In my quest to be the best damn wife and mother that I could be, I had completely lost sight of who I was. My preferences, likes and dislikes didn’t seem to matter anymore. But this wasn’t anyones fault more than my own! This was not something that had been stolen from me, this was something I gave up freely - because that is what I thought being a mum was all about.

I think of this quote but Robert J Quillen:

“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

What feels like a lovely quote is ultimately conditioning women that they are the ones who should be sacrificing as a parent. There is an unwritten contract between women and the world that as they are the ones responsible for birthing children, that they then bear all (or primary) responsibility, at all times for that child. And don’t get me wrong, I loved it. There are some women who love it. I loved being the mum that took the kids to daycare/school every day. The mum that was on the P&C. The mum who was at all of the daycare/school events. I loved seeing my kids faces explode into a smile when my eyes met theirs as they stood proudly on the stage to do a performance.

But what I missed was, me. My kids likes and preferences became my own. My then husband’s likes and preferences became my own. My likes and preferences were down a list that time or funds often did not provide for. But as a mum I accepted that this was just the way it was.

Until I didn’t.

The Sacrificial Mother book lit a fire in me that started a journey of self discover and reconnection with who I was. I often refer to this time as my “quarter life crisis” as in my late 20s felt a tad early to be going through a mid life crisis. The tears in the car were the light bulb moment that Oprah refers to. But this wasn’t a big bang which then resulted in immediate change. It was more the lighting of kindling. Each act of rebellion to the notion that I had to put my needs dead last was like breath being blown on the tiny red glow. Events playing out in my marriage and life were like bigger twigs and logs being added to the start of a fire so that it could grown into a full blown bonfire.

The fire was necessary - Like that part in Game of Thrones where Daenerys goes into the fire and emerges with the dragons. I fundamentally needed to change the way I saw myself in order to change the way my family saw me. I was not just a mum - I was the freaking mother of dragons.

It has been almost 20 years since my epiphany. My kids are grown. I am divorced and remarried. I am now middle aged. I feel like I am now able to answer the question, who am I?

Hello. I am Krissi. I am a creator, a story teller, and a daydreamer. I live each day with purpose and hope to realise my own potential and help others realise their potentials. I strive to see the world through eyes of wonder each day and capture some of this with my camera. I am unstoppable. I am magic. And I sure as shit don’t spend my weekends watching anyone play cricket.

Who are you?

Krissi x

welcome to um…life

Hello and welcome to the first post for um…life - a place for women to laugh, cry, learn, and live their best possible lives.

I am Krissi Marie - a mum to two, step-mum to one and mother-in-law to one, pretty awesome humans (if I do say so myself). I am also a furry parent to two doggo who I love lots. I am in my mid 40s, twice married, once divorced (don’t worry, the order was; married, divorced, married, for anyone who may be concerned).

I have lived and continue to live life to the fullest, which means I have messed up more than once but always look for the lesson. I share my stories and learnings with others to serve as either inspiration or a cautionary tale but please note that my journey is exactly that - my journey - my goals and aspirations, dreams and hopes are mine and they will no doubt differ to yours. Please treat this blog and the accompanying podcast and social media as information sharing, you can accept or reject and aspects of it. My hope for it is that you will bowerbird crumbs of wisdom and the odd cobweb of inspiration.

One big thing that this blog is not, is an instruction manual for your life. It is also not an influencer, mummy-blogger type of thing where I present some kind of unattainable view of the world where everything matches or is ‘aesthetic’. This is all real. None of it is perfect. The things I discuss have really happened, The feelings I feel and the feelings I share are real. I don’t get paid to say or not say stuff (don’t get me wrong, I am open to paid partnership stuff but I won’t just say nice things because of a financial interest). I will not ever give any diet or health advice or make up any kind of beauty hack or trend. That is not my jam. I will just be sharing my stories, my life and the stuff I have done.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope we can learn from and with each other.

Krissi x